The Stepford Wives (1975)
I want to confess that with Craig and I's moving in together date coming soon, I'm dreading falling into the Stepford wife trap that I could already be in. I'll explain...
Over the past two years, I have chosen to keep Tropicana Low Acid orange juice, French Vanilla Coffeemate creamer, Entemann's pop 'em donuts, and his favorite K-cups in my place just because they are his favorites. I don't feel like I'm spoiling him, I just have felt like I'm making my place welcoming to him when he stays over. I make sure he has a clean towel, I set my alarm a lil earlier to make sure he's up in the morning, and I pack him a lunch usually of left overs while he's in the shower. I have chosen to do these things and more as his girlfriend & I haven't thought twice about it. I love hearing "I have the best girlfriend ever" as he pops one of those mini donuts into his mouth.
But I'm suddenly asking myself if I really in fact do too much for him? Did I really watch too many episodes of Bewitched and 50's sitcoms when I was younger to think I have to do this stuff for him? Have I subconsciously watched his mother (Craig lives with his mom) do too much for him and think that I need to reciprocate these lil acts to keep him?
I'm really at a loss. I think I'm trying to be a good hostess because we will be living at my place when the time comes, but when we do move in together will I be able to drop the hostess role & will do more things together as a team? Or will he expect me to do all these lil things because I've done them up until now?
Pretty much it's going to boil down to this:
When you move in with someone, how much do things really change?
Does the relationship stay in it's normal routine patterns or is there a complete overhaul...I'd love to hear your past experiences on the matter.
I have to talk to him. Craig has lived with an ex-girlfriend, but this a whole new world to me. We have good communication when it comes to us, but ahhh how to bring up this lil possible thorn. Craig and I got invited to Little Italy in New York City for a birthday party and it's about a 40 minute car ride for me all the way to there. That's a possible 80 minutes to talk about these things...It'll be perfect!
I would absolutely love other opinions on this subject!!
Please don't hestitate to be brutally honest.
The Stepford Wives (2004)
Ah, this sounds all too familiar. I think when a relationship progresses to living with each other, things do change. Because the "my home" changes to "our home" I think that the chores and other such things should be done together as how you say, a team.
ReplyDeleteYou just have to remember, not to keep count. It can be hard to find the balance between you two without going right out and making a list of who does what, but it is definitely important to talk about it in a non-controlling way, sort of like a mother would tell her children what chores they had to do. Perhaps maybe you should wait until you move in with each other to discuss this, that way he doesn't go in with some sort of fear that you are going to change, for the worse. Let things play out on there own maybe? And go from there?
Reading your post reminded me of myself, and how it made me bitter. In a past relationship I was self-employed out of home, while the man went to work. Because I was at home, and although working, I did most of the household chores. I got up early to make breakfast and pack a lunch, I cleaned the house, cleaned his dog, swept everyday and mopped nearly every other day due to the dog, took the dog on a walk, I did the laundry, cooked dinner and made the bed, I did pretty much everything. And when he came home it became a mess again, and everyday was basically a repeat. I grew bitter, the relationship fell apart and now (in my current relationship) I don't do the things I use to do as much, although he does deserve it. It's a shame how things of the past can change your way of thoughts in the future!
My new years resolution is to try and revert back to my old self, as long as it is for someone who treats me well.
& in response to your comment on my post, they taste delicious. Almost like the toffee in a heath bar/almond roca, yet still caramel-y. It didn't cost much and with all the ingredients I bought it could make about 4 batches! Perfect for valentines gifts!
Thanks for stopping by by the way.
(just figured out why you weren't in my reader - i wasn't following you - but i am now)
ReplyDeletei think it changes! - in the beginning it's great - but then you gotta realize your living for yourself not to please him - i think being a FANTASTIC hostess is wonderful (i do it all the time) - but once you together and living together- i think it changes and you develop different roles - u'll go NUTS if you keep doing what your doing - especially if he doesn't return the favor ..
I don't think you're doing too much for him AS LONG as it's reciprocated. Is he also doing sweet and thoughtful things for you? If he is, then it's a healthy balance. As far as how things change after you move in together, you just both have to work and make sure "cohabitation complacency" doesn't set in. That's really the key in my humble opinion. As long as you love each other and treat each other as if you just started dating, then you'll have a lot of happness in store :)
ReplyDeleteWell... Ask yourself this: Does it make you happy to do these things for Craig? Usually the answer is yes because if it didn't we probably wouldn't. Maybe you should explain to him that when he moves in you'll be expecting a fair trade off of give and take and thoughtfulness (not saying that he's not thoughtful, I can tell from prior posts that he loves you).
ReplyDeleteJohn and I have lived together for a few years now and we are still just as thoughtful as we were when we first met. (Okay, he doesn't bring me flowers as often but he still rubs my back and I still bring him coffee.) The way our relationship has changed is that it's gone from hot and heavy into more of a laid back mode.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, I have a feeling you and Craig will work out any kinks and live quite happily together (and I'm being brutally honest). :)
I think it totally depends on the guy. Before my husband, I lived with a boyfriend and he just didn't do anything and expected me to do it all. It was awful.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is just the opposite. In our relationship, he does more than 50% of the "work around the house". Don't get my wrong, I think my husband is an anomaly. But it definitely proves that it totally depends.
Definitely talk with Craig. See how he reacts. :)
living with someone can be difficult if you let it. basically, what it comes down to is: don't sweat the small stuff. there will be things that he does that can drive you crazy (and vice versa) but if it's no biggie, then let it go.
ReplyDeletefinances are a big thing too... if one spends way more than the other, that can be a problem. for me, i hate living paycheck to paycheck and i always contribute to my savings account so before i moved in with my dh (bf at the time), we had a long, serious talk about finances and what his expenses are, how he budgets etc. we laid all of our cards on the table and were completely honest. if one person is always carrying the weight, resentment and anger builds.
same goes with house chores. if one is always doing it and the other person slacks off, resentment and anger. it has to be a total 50/50 split and each person must recognize that *both* of your times are valuable. whenever there's an imbalance in a relationship, that's when things get hard.
so having a completely open heart-to-heart before any moving starts is best.. just to get it out of the way and work out any kinks. it may sound "clinical" but you want to get all of your issues resolved FIRST before moving any bags.
once all that is done, you can then enjoy your new life together because each of you knows what to expect and what the other is thinking.
this is a great time in your lives!! enjoy every second :)
ps - did you get my long-ass email yesterday? sorry it was so long-winded :(
Part of being in a relationship involves thinking of the other person and doing things for them that will make them happy. I think as long as Craig doesn't build up any expectations and you're happy that he's happy then it's okay. Of course it's most ideal if he does the same for you in his own way. Any good relationship is about give and take and you guys need to establish what works and if you don't feel comfortable you should definitely open it up to a conversation.
ReplyDeleteRowena @ rolala loves
I've lived with 2 guys - my ex husband and my now boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing I learned from my ex is to be honest and open about finances. When my ex and I were dating and even through most of our marriage we had separate bank accounts. But when you live with someone and share certain common bills, like rent and utilities, it's something you should talk about. My ex husband used to tell me he was paying the rent and utilities, taking my half and promising bills were getting paid. And they weren't. And then one day they came after me to get the money they were owed. It was AWFUL.
My ex was also generally lazy about work around the places we lived. When we rented I pretty much just made him a list of things to clean and I did the rest myself. But when we moved into a house I relied on him to do certain things. And he let me down every time.
I learned my lesson. And when my boyfriend moved in I gave him my two unbreakable rules. 1) He had to be honest with me about finances. And 2) He had to help me with chores. I told him these things before he moved in and I said that if he wasn't ready for those then we needed to reconsider living together. Lucky for me, he was more than okay with both rules. And although things aren't perfect (they never are) they're damn good.
I would recommend talking to Craig and being open with him. Let him know how you're feeling. And ask him how he's feeling. Maybe make a list of things you both need to do in order for the two of you to live together happily.
I'm sure there will be kinks. But truly if you two are honest with each other those kinks will be small.
Good luck lady!
great post- I love how honest you were about your concerns/thoughts about moving in!
ReplyDeleteI moved in with my bf (now fiance) about 1.5 years ago (he was the first, and now only boy I've lived with) - and it was one of the best things ever! although you have little routines and things you do in your space to make him feel 'welcome' - you'll find that those kind of things, or perspective rather - dissolves a bit.
for my boyfriend and I, it didn't take us long to develop new routines, and new ways of 'treating' each other with little items and things around the house. you'll also find that you kind of end up functioning as like a 'unit' you know? haha...hard to explain.
my best advice- be open with him about it sure - but don't over think things either!! you'll see a lot of it is just a natural process of two homes coming together...and that it's a really fun and exciting time!! enjoy it while it's all new, fresh and wonderful.
When I got married I had the same concerns. But honestly, it has been so great. It's not always easy to compromise, but I found that when I'm totally honest and I let him in on these fears that I have, he's totally understanding. He knows full well that I never be the stepford wife that dotes on him and always does the dishes, and he's cool with that. Plus once you live together that whole "being on your best behaviour" thing that sort of comes across when you're dating starts to go away and you can be more real with each other. It'll be a good experience for both of you, just be honest :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by the blog hop! Would love for you to follow along :)
Lauren
www.millermemoires.com
I think doing things for someone you love is wonderful. Doing them to keep them around is not so healthy. If you want to do something kind for someone and you don't mind doing it anyway, keep doing it. I've been married for nearly 10 years and you just have to talk it out kindly and reasonably. Don't play games and don't have unspoken expectations. The more honest about what you need from each other, the better. Good luck on your road trip! Hope you get the chance to talk it over! ;-)
ReplyDeleteJamie
http://chatterblossom.blogspot.com/
An interesting read! Definitely something on my mind lately as my boyfriend and I are considering moving in.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!