Love...

Jim and Pam from the TV Show, "The Office"

I thought I knew what love was when...

I wrote on all over the back of my My Little Ponies notebook "I love J.C." with the biggest hearts all around his name. He would pass me on his way to 5th Grade English while I went to my 4th Grade Science class and point at the lil C I had around my neck and point and say, "Hey that stands for my last name...You must be my girl!" His smile was like a drug to my 9 year old self. I thought I loved him from all the sweet little words...

When I wrote all over my Latin notebook I love "B.H" because I thought he was cute. He never spoke to me, he just sat diagonally from me in 8th grade Latin class. Looking back I seriously can't remember why I thought I "loved" him. Then in senior year, the senior show came around. He was paired up with me to dance, but then he didn't put his knee out so I could sit on it like we were choreographed...I fell on my ass all because of him. 

Then a boy my freshmen year of college, who was my neighbor, came in to my room and cried because he had just come from his grandmother's funeral. I consoled him and a few days later he kissed me and then showed me a side of life I never thought possible. He was my first true boyfriend and I gave him it all.  My heart, my body, my patience, my ability to sit with his mother in the hospital after he had a bad diabetic episode while he was unconscious, and more...When I thought it was love, it was not returned. He couldn't even say the word. He carved out my heart and left a gaping hole that took me years to put back.

The others I knew weren't love and luckily I never uttered the word. I just would leave after that realization.

Then for 3 and a half years I played with a guy one town over, hoping every kiss, every midnight trip to the 24 hour Walmart, every time we'd mess around in his basement, every convention, every little thing would add up to him loving me back. I fell in love with him because he brought me back to life, but in the end he took it back. He took the light I thought I had found. I was so done.

It wasn't love...

{Pin}

I found love at 24...and every day since then I'm reminded what true love is. I'm 27 now and have the flu. I hate being sick. But because I finally, yes finally, found love I have a tummy full of yummy wonton soup Craig got for me to make me feel better. I have someone who doesn't care that I'm sick, no he's on my couch playing "Brown Eyed Girl" on his guitar because it's one of my favorite songs.  I got a back rub and a hug. I have a boyfriend who in the middle of the night curls his fingers over mine to hold me closer. I have someone who called me this morning to check up on me. I have a guy who told me today he is going to go to my best friend's wedding even though I told him he didn't have to go.    At a party we went to over the weekend where I think I got sick with a chill, he held my hand under the table the whole time just because... This is love... Finally...