Letting Go of the Fear...

2008

I wish I remembered how I finally got the courage to tell my mother that I needed to go to the doctor to get my breasts checked because there were two large lumps growing on the right side of my right breast. I guess the combination of fear, anxiety, extreme exhaustion/insomnia & Epstein Bar can cause memory loss. All I remember is being with my mess of an ex fuck buddy friend at a car convention in western P.A. when I guided his hand to the side of my breast and told him to push in. His large brown eyes bugged out and he actually freaked out because he never "noticed the abnormality" while you know we were "together" *cough cough*. I remember crying to my best friend Danielle in 2004 that I had felt a knot in my breast and I was too scared to go the doctor just in case it was "something". 

When I finally mustered the courage to tell my Ob-gyn, who actually was my mom's doctor & delivered me as a baby (very weird btw), and I never forget his sigh and how his santa clause-ish laughs ceased. He scheduled me for a sonogram and I have never had more discrete men and women basically feel me up. At no point was I embarrassed...they were all very kind and helpful. Eventually when I got to my surgeon, whose first name was actually Faith, I burst into tears before she could examine me. She kept her doctor demeanor, but gave me a hug I so desperately needed. After a small biopsy, which I literally felt like Neo in the first Matrix movie when trinity put that machine on him to get out that squiggly bug out that Mr. Smith put in his belly button, I found out that I had Fibroids. Fibroids that were slowly disappearing, but were too large so there was an apprehension that within the holes created by them, a possible malignant tumor could form. 

Fibroids...are non-cancerous tumors that are caused by hormone imbalances. I was swamped with relief but the whole process was a mental hurdle I never thought I'd have to go through in my early 20's. I was 23. At 27, I have a faded line where the surgeon delicately removed the two nodules that were also luckily not attached to any breast tissue and sort of just popped out. If I hadn't told my boyfriend, he told me he never would have known. At 24 I had to remove another small fibroid from the same breast and that half moon is a lil more visible to this day....

2009

I will never and can never forget the pain that I was in one Friday night after work. I had a shooting pain in my lower back that had my crawling on the floor of my parent's bathroom in gasping clueless agony. I knew I wasn't pregnant and it wasn't my time of the month so I was at a loss for words & ideas. I was a sweaty ball of disaster for 24 hours, only getting a small amount of relief when a stupid doctor, who couldn't pinpoint what the problem was, gave me a shot of pain medication and viccodin for possible severe menstrual cramps. The pain radiating from my ride side was so horrible but not low enough to be a appendicitis. 

The doctor missed that I was having a gallbladder attack. 

In his defense, my blood wasn't showing the usual signs of a burst or bad gall bladder because it had apparently not been working for quite some time and the gall stones filling my gall bladder were lodged in my bile ducts so where he pressed there was no pain. He wasn't pressing in the right spot to ignite the pain to the surface.

Once again I can't remember how it was finally determined that my gall bladder was in fact not working & when I finally had it removed, another surgery, the surgeon speculated it was probably not working for a year. I have to ask my mom about it, because I really am blanking on it. I'm staring down at my 5 lil slit scars on my tummy, so I know it all happened, but I can't remember who figured it out. I remember getting up on the surgeon's table but not how we finally figured it out. 

May 1st, 2013

For the past almost 3 years I haven't had more fibroids or other odd surgeries that people gasp about for my age.  But I think the scars are holding me back in more than ways than one. I'm not scared to show my gallbladder surgery scars to my boyfriend or  even my breast scars...they just look like I got scratched by cat...but I'm scared to push the envelope when working out & exercising. I've banished myself to the treadmill & bike because they are "safe" for me but I am missing out.  I know my stomach is isn't going to fall out or a wound isn't going to open but I have held back for a long long time at the gym claiming it's only been a few years...no more thinking what if I'm not healed all the way? It's been 4 years since the first surgery and I think it's time to not be afraid anymore. I think it's time to use the torso rotation machine and not make an excuse of why it may hurt me...I think it's time to use the arm work-out machines and not think oh it might hurt my breasts. It's time to let go of the clutch that I don't have anymore or need anymore. It's time to be a healthy & positive me that lives with no fear. 

Dieting & exercising is a process...a process I'm learning you need to be honest with yourself about your true goals and true weaknesses. One day at a time I know I can do it. 

On your Fitness Journey, What are some Fears & Weaknesses you've had to Overcome? 

I'd love to hear...