Battling My Nerves & No Longer Hiding Things...A "Truth" Post.

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Hmm...How to start a post that may make me sound like I'm a crazy person? Or maybe make me more normal than I ever I thought possible? Well, I've been struggling with it all day. 2013 was and is going to be my year of big change, some of which I've already seen, and other things I have not. Some things I've mentioned here in my fairly new blog and other things I've kept to myself where I ruminate about them constantly on my drives to work and my hopefully more gym work-outs. Alright, let's dive in. 

Around September of last year I reached for my hair straightener to straighten the right side of my bangs and I realized I had nothing left to straighten. It has been pointed out to me several times that I when I'm nervous I run my hands through my hair, especially my frizzy bangs. Apparently my nerves won the battle. I can sit here until I'm blue in the face with little things that caused my nervous twitch of running my hands through my hair, but that's NOT the point of this embarrassing confession. 

Slowly put surely I noticed this morning that my bangs are FINALLY  starting to grow back after all this time has passed. I've awkwardly used bobby pins and small clips to keep the struggling broken strands at bay, but my hand didn't reach those cover-ups this Monday morning. I had enough hair on that dreaded right side of my head to straighten and it perked me up so much I literally had a little bit of a bounce to my step. I was able to stop a bad habit and move forward. Progress, even small, is progress.

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I think I hide things too well. I hid my tortured bangs from the world, I once hid growing fibroids for years in my right breast for the fear of what if, I watched enough "What Not to Wear" to know how to hide my weight issues, and I've held back on my worry that Craig and I were never going to live together (which I was proved wrong). I don't want to hide anymore.  I don't want to hide that I struggle each month to find a balance with my paycheck and my social life. I don't want to hide my hope that every time there is a big event I'm hoping Craig will propose to me. I don't want to hide that I'm making excuses for not going to the gym...I'm want to push forward with more progress than before.

Tonight I went to the gym, and before that told Craig how happy I was that he was here with me in "our" place. I printed out a recipe to try and make stuffed shells on my own later this week instead of stealing some if my Mom makes it. I'm writing in my journal each week for the 52 Lists and I feel good. I am thrilled that I have written three parts of my story for your viewing pleasure. It's all steps outside of the box...no more hiding. It feels kinda wonderful...and tomorrow is a brand new day for more progress!! *Here's Hoping*

Do you Feel like Your Hiding From the World?
I'd love to hear...

P.S. I have extended my GIVEAWAY until tomorrow...Please CLICK HERE for my Reader Appreciation $25 Gift Card Giveaway! =) 

And That Was the Turning Point...That Was One Lonely Night...

Movie: Sex & the City

The Job…

I remember stepping into the little conference room with the bay windows & knew this couldn’t be good. We hadn’t gotten our usual Christmas bonus & things were just different in the office of 6 men. As my old job came to a close, I almost wished they had hired just one more guy so I could say I had worked for the seven dwarfs. I panicked, almost as if the evil queen wanted my heart, but it was mostly because I had just bought my first home & knew the mortgage check needed to be written by the 15^th, and the common charges, and then the visa bill and then…Anxiety Meltdown. I marched my hurting too high-arched feet into the placement agency the next week & luckily found a lil spot I call “An interesting place” from 8:30am-5pm for the past 2 years. I make sure I elongate the word ‘interesting’ every time I say it for much needed dramatic effect.  

The Boy… 

I sat drowning my past in my Magner’s beer thinking I should really give up hope on relationships. I was ever so done & cringing at the stupid wish at 11:11am that week I made. What if it came true? Would I let that mess back in my life? What was I thinking!!! Then, one of my favorite 80’s songs came on, “Your love” by Outfield and I turned to smile at the DJ. I looked up and my gaze was drawn to the pair of converse's that walked through the door. I looked up to see the guy, Craig, I had met last week, walk through the door. He smiled,  I smiled and then he walked towards me..."I want to take you out to dinner. When can we make this happen?" followed a lil while later that night after a disappearing cigarette trick & witty flirting. I said, "Wednesday"... 

The Apartment...

The overwhelming sea of houses, condos, and apartments suffocated me as clicked from page one to two. My street address appeared on the screen smack dab in my price range. A studio apartment right down the street from my parent's condo was on the market. I had just enough for 10% down..."No comparable sale for 10% down" became a harsh reality...Translation: No condo for me. I accepted defeat. A twisted small lie told by mother about an future inheritance that I found out later wasn't actually real, magically came forward. I thought I was out, but I was back in without even knowing it. I am grateful for the studio condo, my lil home & thankful, but in those few moments of defeat I saw more logical opportunities fly by me...

Movie - Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason

As a 20-something, I have embraced & am strugglingly juggling the Big Three: Job, Relationship, & an Apartment. Yesterday, however, I lost my car keys & the lil grip of sanity keeping it all in balance took a first class trip to hell.  I ran around my mall like a crazy woman and the reality of how stressed out I am took hold. My winter coat sat defiantly in my passenger seat as I stood under the awning outside of the mall in the rain with wet hair, watching my car to make sure the red lights didn't light up from SOMEONE ELSE using my Unlock beeper on my keys. It was a turning point...

I called my Mom to bring me my spare key. When she got to me I cried & frankly it wasn't even that good cry that let's it all out of your system. It was just an AHHHHHHH!!!!! FUCK!!! cry. I got into my car after doing the Victoria Secret sale and drove home to my lil apartment defeated. 

I know it's hard to start & end things cold turkey but something has to give. I need to find a career that is less 'interesting' & more 'Me', I need to make my tiny apartment more livable for two people, AND I need to learn to ask Craig & others for help. I'm an only child, so I'm obnoxiously independent & bite off more than I can chew. I need to let people in and ask for help. This is going to be hard...

BUT, I did get a call after work today from my library?!?! asking me if I had lost my keys. Yes, I had lost them at the mall. Trust me, for a split second I thought I was certifiably insane. Apparently a lil store I was in for oh 30 seconds found my keys under the gift table and (I'm ever so grateful) called my library to report the missing card so they could get my information to call me. I still can't believe in the madness I got my keys back. 

 I'm using this as a lil ray of hope that things will calm down & work it's way out...Getting my keys back was a sign...A much needed sign of hope. =) 

Are You Stressed this Holiday Season? I know I am!

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Title of the Post: Lyrics from"Spacemen" - The Killers