Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Text Message at 1:43am...Part II

Girl meets boy. Boy likes girl, boy plays with her emotions for 3 years, then goes back with an ex he wanted all along. Boy leaves girl. Boy had a best friend... Best friend meets that girl. 6 years later...

My best friend Hannah this past Sunday sent me a text message at 1:43 stating her and her boyfriend of 6 years broke up. I couldn't muster enough consciousness to register that my phone had a message, so I didn't get to really talk to her about it all until yesterday. 

Here is the story:

For the past 3 years Hannah has been up in Albany, NY for a successful project engineering job. She is truly moving on up as they say. Her boyfriend, being loving and supportive, decided to move up there with her. However, due to her boyfriend's life choices, he does not have a license due to unpaid parking taxes, has only a few college credits completed, & is unemployed.  At 24, that's not horrible for a guy & a job like that is great for a girl, but they are obviously at different points in their lives...very different. 

Three years pass & her boyfriend stays home sitting on the couch playing video games with no desire or drive to get a job or better himself. He is a capable man with charisma & a good heart, but  something is missing.  Her problem with him was that he did not try to change the situation at all. He became a house cat maid, not a boyfriend. She is supporting him completely & pays all the bills. 

At 27, she cracked under that pressure & is upset that her boyfriend is dependent on her for everything. She met a guy named Joel online, who has a job, cares about his family, & talks about his avid social life. She started to like him and they started talking every day. Her boyfriend found the emails & started realizing she was only talking to one person online & it was getting personal. Her boyfriend demanded that she stopped speaking to this other guy. Hannah said no...

They argued for hours & 1:40am she delivered, "It's over." I got my text at 1:43am...

Now where to go from here? ...Well, once they were out of the relationship two friends who have actually known each other 9 years in total reappeared & talked.

Her boyfriend stressed that after 6 years he had thought they were going to get married. She retorted, "With no drive to get a job or pay your old parking tickets, how could I have thought you'd have the inkling to get married?" He couldn't answer her. He asked her why she didn't tell him just how badly his apathy was affecting their relationship. She couldn't answer him. 

She told me they went back and forth & somehow she found her voice. She said everything she was holding back even, "you were a deadbeat boyfriend" and he had to take it. He didn't storm out of the house, he didn't pack his bags, he took her criticism because sometimes you need that slice in the heart to open your eyes. She hugged him and wiped away his tears & said that she would help him get his life back as a friend. He said he needed to hear all of the bad things & vowed apparently to get his shit together so they could work on things.

...but he also said she would have to stop talking to the other guy...Hannah doesn't know if she can...

To this I asked,
"Well Hannah I'm proud of you that you found your voice, but what about Joel? Is he a guy you want to meet in Chicago or was he just a way out of the relationship?" 

She didn't know. I proceeded to ask her if she would take her now ex-boyfriend back if he got his act together, got a job, & started caring about his life & someone else's. She said, maybe.

My lunch hour ended & so did hers. I think they both are at fault for this crumbling relationship, but it seems there biggest problem was Communication & Honesty. They both have to figure out their priorities and themselves out. Maybe they truly needed to step out the relationship to see the truth. Relationships are hard & I'm guilty of the holding back my true emotion too. I need to be more honest w/ Craig about the moving in together debacle. Honesty seems to really be the key.

Sigh...I can't wait to see her for Christmas. I told her if she chooses to meet Joel I would go to Chicago with her. Or maybe he'll come to New York to see her? But honestly I have no idea what going to happen with any of it..No idea. Time will tell I guess...



  1. This was a very insightful post, and incredibly relatable. :) I just adore your better keep on bloggin'! ;) hahaha

  2. Wow... I'm sitting here at a loss for words to type (and that rarely happens). :)

    If she truly loves her boyfriend then she should probably pull away from the other guy and give her current bf a chance to prove himself. If she doesn't see any proof of him changing then it's time to go. There is nothing less attractive than a man with no ambition.

    Last, communication is --so-- important for all of the reasons stated above.

    Thanks for the update! :) I'm wishing nothing but the best for your friend and you!!!

  3. i really enjoyed this post; it reminds me of what i went through with my ex. sometimes a person just needs to hear it straight to get them back on the path (the boyfriend). sometimes you just need to find your voice and say what is truly in your heart to salvage a relationship. i hope it works out for your friend and her boyfriend but if not, at least they both learned from this relationship.

  4. Well I think you've got this situation assessed pretty well. Honesty & Communication. No matter how much you love someone that is the glue that holds a relationship together. If nothing else, this could serve as a learning experience for them :(

  5. This is so true! Honesty is so important in any relationship. I am glad you posted this, I was wondering how everything turned out. xx. McKenna Lou

  6. It's hard for a relationship to work when one has goals and not the other. The relationship begins to fall apart according to one of my teachers. Anyways I hope it all ends well for the two.


  7. relationships are tough and messy aren't they? but at the end of the day, the hardships is what ultimately makes them beautiful!

  8. Life is so difficult sometimes, with no right answers. The other guy seems like a great option, but the thing to remember is everyone has problems and no one's perfect, it's more a matter of what imperfect person you want to spend the rest of your life with, dealing with their faults.

    Loving your blog though!

  9. As someone who had a pretty deadbeat husband, I can say that life is difficult and not always black and white. I agree, what she did wasn't great. But it is damn hard to feel like you're doing everything and your significant other is doing nothing.

    And honestly... she shouldn't have to tell him to get up and get a job. How old is he? If he's hard age then he should grow up. I don't now, maybe it's hard for me to understand because I've been working for so long but it's just hard for me to get someone that thinks that's okay.

    Nonetheless, I hope things work out if the best way for them both.

  10. I agree, communication and honesty is the best way to go. I honestly hope that things work out for the both of them, together or not.

  11. ah, relationships! they are always so confusing. i agree with the honesty part, it's the only way for things to work.

    lindsey louise

  12. Wow six years. That's how long I've been with my bf. I can't even imagine ending it after so long. Especially considering they were friends for three years before that.

    Communication is, in my opinion, the most important aspect of a relationship. You can't make one work without it. It's a shame it took a break-up for your friend and her boyfriend to have a real heart-to-heart. From my perspective, it sounds like your friend needs to move on. If she's been with this guy for six years, and still isn't sure if she wants to take him back and STILL wants to continue an online relationship with a guy she's attracted to, then that speaks volumes for her true feelings. She sounds like an ambitious, intelligent girl who needs to find someone on her own level. After all, even if her ex does get a job, who knows what the future has in store for him...

  13. Wow. That is just absolutely, completely saddening.

    It does sound like it's both of their faults, but I fully support her decision to break up with him.
    I'd like to think that I'd have done the same if I was in her position.

    I hope that whatever she decides to do, it works out.
    I'll cross my fingers for everyone involved and hope everyone ends up happy in the end.

    on that note-
    i adore your blog.

  14. I just got out of a 6 year relationship and its hard. Sometimes things can look so obvious to other people, but no matter the situation, you get attached and letting go is hard. My ex sent a girl flowers on monday(though we've been broken up for 6 months) and I lost my shit. I mean, crying, panic attack, all of it. This dude sounds like a loser, but its still hard. I dont know what she should do. Life can be so confusing.


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