"Chloe, if your going to leave, please just leave. Don't look back, just go. Trust me...If we never hear from you again, we will understand perfectly. If you do it slowly it will hurt you and us more, so please just go."
That above quote was advice an old friend named Sean once told me that I wish I had listened to one day long ago. I knew my ex would never make me anymore than a just another doll to be played with off one of his shelves. I used to think I was the special doll because of all the times that we spent together. But one day I heard about a girl from Queens in a slip of the tongue and saw my ex fumble his words when his friend Sean called him out on his recent conquest that was not me. I think I grew quiet and when we were all going to go inside my feet were cemented to the ground. My car keys were digging into my palms to keep the tears at bay...and I looked at my ex standing by the door to his house. He looked at me puzzled, but then Sean, with our other friend behind him said the above words to me.
I listened to the words but my 23 year old self didn't truly hear them. I loosened my grip on my keys and instead of hitting the unlock button and getting into my car...I shrugged it off and went inside. Sean was right. I was wrong to continue the charade of denial for as long as it did. It hurt like fucking hell.
But I learned & I left. I stopped taking the calls, stopped answering the AIM messages, and ignored the gnawing at my gut quest for the closure & the answers to "Why not me"? I survived the break-up and picked myself up off the floor.
I often think about that day & what Sean said. It finally stuck when I was ready to listen...
Two months ago my best friend ended an 6 year relationship with her boyfriend who used to be her friend. I hate to say I knew it was coming but when a girl can't name 5 things she loves about her boyfriend even after 6 years...I knew there was an issue. I got a text message one night at 1:43am saying they split. I wrote about it HERE & HERE. Since then the boyfriend has moved out and my best friend has been living a single life...something she herself admits is rusty.
Tonight I found myself telling her the same words my old friend told me too long ago it seems. I don't think she heard me though... There is a gaming convention where her ex will be and all his friends in two weeks. I asked if she was going and she said, "Yeah, why not?" . I told her well, her and her boyfriend, whom is an avid gamer, are not together anymore so it might be tough for her to go so soon after the breakup. People she thought were her friends may look at her as the bad guy because she ended the relationship, her ex may ignore her completely which even in breakup status will hurt her, and she may really find out who her true friends are... I completely took off the rose colored glasses with her and she was like, "Okay. So?"
I don't know what to do with her answer so frankly I told her that I would be on call if she needed me to show up to the convention for emotional back-up. I don't know if she is trying to have a thick skin or truly thinks she can return to just being her ex-boyfriend's friend like she started out... I found out that a thanksgiving day event the group of friends had that she was always invited to with her ex was rescheduled and she was un-invited to the new one...She told me it hurt her to find out the information...But alas she still wants to go to the convention.
I'm torn. This is such a sensitive time with Valentine's Day coming up and I just don't want to see her hurt. I want to tell her not to go, but I can't force her to do anything. If her ex and her were going to remain friends he would not have moved out. I'm just out of words on this one...
How Have you Moved On in the Past? Did you cut all ties with your Exes?
Would you go to an Event where you KNEW your ex would be there less than 2 months after the break-up & act like nothing happened??
That's a hard one. I think it depends on the nature of the breakup. I stayed friends with a couple of boys i used to date and that worked out ok.
ReplyDeleteMmmm are you reading my mind with this post? I am going through the same thing right now. My ex broke up with me nearly 3 months ago and I was/still am devastated. I just need to let go and not look back but I keep throwing myself in to it. I made the mistake of messaging the other night and now he wants to meet and talk...but I know what he wants is friendship and that is not what I want all. It is soooo damn hard to let go and walk away when your heart is telling you the opposite. He doesn't want me but I still am having a hard time accepting it. I am trying to work up the nerve to tell him I want nothing to do with him. At least she has such a sweet and caring friend who will be there if/when she needs helping picking up the pieces.
ReplyDeletelove this!
ReplyDeletexx
www.aroundlucia.com
www.aroundlucia.com
This movie is one of our favorites! Love that you referenced it! Xo, M @ BT
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard situation! She is lucky to have a good friend like you to pick up the pieces if she decides to go... xx. McKenna Lou
ReplyDeletewww.lynnandlou.com
wow this sounds so difficult chloe. i hope you are alright. moving on can be really hard but is also important because you grow and find yourself as a person more without someone with negative baggage dragging you down. wishing you strength. xxx
ReplyDeletenot easy question... Usually it was me who broke up actually. For me it all ended up with a conversation where we both tried to explain 'why not me' and then going not coming back. if (!) it was something short and you've been friends for centuries so you are still friends
ReplyDeleteI had to completely cut ties with my last ex. We dated for 3 years and even lived together for 1.5 years. It was hard, but we can't even search for each other on facebook. It had to be done to truly heal.
ReplyDeleteI ended a 6 year relationship in 2011. Initially we remained good friends and even hung out a lot. But what I began to realize was that it was preventing me from healthily moving on and healing so-to-speak. I think we all need time to "mourn" the end of a relationship. It's the reason I took an entire year off from dating afterwards; I didn't want to date for the wrong reasons. Looking back, that was one of the best things I've ever done.
ReplyDeletemy last relationship before my now-husband, was a turbulent 3yrs of what i would call emotional manipulation bordering on emotional abuse. it was awful. like your friend, i couldn't name many things i loved about him, even after all those years. i tried to leave him so many times but couldn't until one day, i woke the fuck up... it was like someone had yanked the blinders away from my eyes and i saw him for who he really was. i knew it was over and i left without looking back. however badly he treated me, i didn't harbor any ill-feelings towards him. i was so close with his family who treated me like a member of their own so i kept in contact with them. in order for me to do so, i had to be civil/cordial and i tried to be friends with my ex but he wasn't having it. oh well.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think that exes should be left in the past. Yes, cordiality should remain to avoid anger; but that's it. If you wanted to be with them, you would be. If not, then you need to move on completely. I find that it's unhealthy to remain too close with exes as it causes too many 'what ifs?' to arise. Plus, it's uncomfortable for any new person you strike up a relationship with...why should they play second fiddle to a past relationship? :/
ReplyDeletein order to move on in the past i just had to completely cut them out of my life. the whole- lets me friends thing- only made me miserable.
ReplyDeleteI'm still friends with all of my ex's except for 2 (they're bat-shit crazy). When I'm ready to move on --I'm ready-- ... If that makes sense. I no longer care what they did because I no longer care about them (in a romantic way) hence moving past things in an easy manner. Besides, I like the thrill of the chase. :)
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Oho , I dunno how does it feel . But one shouldn't be like that . In my opinion , if he once has let you go , it would be a stupidity to go forward for him again.
ReplyDeleteNoor @ Noor's Place
Sometimes you really need a little time to move past things to properly gain some perspective like you did. I think whether people can remain friends or have to cut off all ties really depends on how the relationship ends and how serious it was. If you just can't let go, it is probably best to just cut that person out of your life. Your friend is really lucky to have you in her corner.
ReplyDeleteRowena @ rolala loves
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this is a tough one. i agree that it's better to cut off ties abruptly - it will hurt more at first but it will be better in the long run. but it is really hard for people to let go, so all you can do is be there for your friend right now - good luck!
ReplyDelete-- jackiejade.blogspot.com
I think it's best to cut ties so soon after a break up. If the convention were 2 years after, then yeah she could go and see if they could actually have a friendship. But it sounds like the break up is still so new and she's probably not thinking with total clarity. The thing is - she needs to go anyway. No matter how many times you tell her all the negatives that could happen, she might not fully accept that until she experiences it for herself. You're doing the best you can to be a good friend by voicing your concerns and letting her know you'll be there for emotional support if she needs it. You're a great friend, Chloe. :)
ReplyDeletecutting ties is SO hard, but SO necessary! breakups are hard no matter what :(
ReplyDeleteCutting all ties is hard, but I've always thought it best for both parties...
ReplyDeleteThinking of your friend.
Ronnie xo
I ended a 6 yr relationship in May. We tried to be friends, we would still "hang out" every few weeks and text occasionally. He would help me if something broke etc etc. Well he started dating someone in Jan and she's way younger and wants him to have nothing to do with me. She lives on the other side of the country and he's only met her in person once so its a long distance thing. We are now no longer speaking and I want nothing to do with him. He became a jerk to me and let her ruin his life by being so controlling. Her friends at one point were making fun of how "ugly and fat and poor looking" I am and he showed me and then told me that he had to let them do that so she didnt think he still had feelings for me. I lost all respect for him and thats what I needed to move on. Your friend needs to see how shitty of a person her ex is. I know it sucks, but someone screwing you over to the max is the only way to "move on". I'm grateful he became such an ass because God knows how long it would have taken me to quit loving him.
ReplyDeleteThe ex that I was with before I met my now ex-husband was someone I HAD to cut all ties with. I was crazy in love with him. But for him, I was just a convenience. I'd say "okay, we're just friends" but then somehow we'd end up together again. And it killed me.
ReplyDeleteFinally one day I just lost it. I was so tired of being put on the back burner. I was someone he hung out with when he had nothing better to do. And I was sick of it. So I cut the ties. I stopped talking to him. We had no communication whatsoever because that was what I needed to heal.
Oddly enough, about 6 months later, after I started seeing someone new, my ex and I started talking again. And now we're decent friends. But I needed that time away to get over him.
I do believe that exes can be friends. But you need to have time in between the end of the relationship and the beginning of the friendship. And to me it seems like your friend needs to totally cut the ties.
HOWEVER. Nothing you say is going to get through to her if she thinks differently. So I guess all you can do is be her friend and try to support her no matter what.
haha, i love this one chloe, first, that quote above is smashing!!! lurv it. hehe... i rem when i was single my friends use to call me an iron lady, when it comes to dating, it was very hard for me to fall in lurv, i stood my grounds on dating 2 guys hummm.. some might find this weird but seriously trust me i knew what i was doing, one was going to be the real boyfriend and the other was gonna be a very close pal (friend) that was a serious admirer but we had restrictions ''no touching'' we would drive around, go to places, eat together and share our thoughts,i would even share the deepest secrets but trust me i knew what i was doing, i called this a ''backup'' incase it happens, then i have something to fall back on lol, it was very easy for me trust me at the end of the day the guy i called my boyfriend was seriously cheating and we split, while the guy i called my friend was dying to love me :) at the end of the day i married my friend, we are happily married with two kids, its now 9yrs and we are very happy together, in relationship you take a risk it either pays off or knock u down, let use our brain dont let the boys call us a chicken brain they are damn... smart!!! my moto is that, when u split with a guy ''NO GOING BACK'' it worked for me.
ReplyDeleteHave a lovely val dear
kisses!!!