Whitney, TV Show, 2012
When your in a long term relationship, how exactly do you prevent Smothering? No really...How? Especially when you live in a studio apartment with...hmmm how do I say this...Nowhere to go except the kitchen &/or the bathroom? Oh and this is after dating a little shy of three years, which means your lives are so intertwined that we can recite each other's schedules by heart? This is a big BIG issue that is coming around the corner soon.
But I think I have to take a step back and ask what is smothering exactly?? In my honest opinion, I think men and women have different perceptions of the word. Most definitely. For example, smothering to me is not giving me any space within a Queen sized bed. There is no reason to sprawled that far and about so you don'y give the other person room. Smothering to me is when I'm in the kitchen and someone is just watching me, making me nervous. Or asking immediately what's the matter when the event is still happening and I don't have a minute to even think. Smothering is needing an answer for a holiday that's two months away and being constantly reminded of it.
To Craig...I'm actually really confused as to what he thinks smothering is. I don't hang all over him when we go out, I actually can't remember the last time we held hands, he has guys nights, I basically let him have the television for his games and some days I barely go near him at all. But I think it was last week he was hoping I'd go to the gym because he claimed it was "Stuffy" in here. I took the "Stuffy" as he needed some space. He took back the statement because he thought he was being a jerk, but he still said it. When he took it back it actually confused me more.
I know we live in a small space and it's hard to cool down after a hard day at work, but I feel like this smothering thing that is just beginning and it frightens me. In a relationship where we communicate pretty often and well about our relationship I feel like we may be missing a key topic that needs to be addressed before it gets out of hand. We are definitely not on the same page and I'm hoping this comes up as naturally as possible.
He has a guy's night this weekend and I have the Bridal Shower and all the preparations that we will actually have some "alone" time apart from each other. Perhaps this is nothing at all, just jitters on my part, or this busy time will make this all a little clearer on the what smothering really is to him and me.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE SMOTHERING?
HAVE YOU EVER DEALT WITH THIS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR PAST ONES?
I'd love to hear...
Whitney, TV Show, 2012
a long time ago I told Dave he was smothering me and he told me I'd made up that word!
ReplyDeleteI've had 2 boyfriends that smothered me, or at least what I consider smothering. One was just plain crazy- it started with the "Where are you going? Who are you with?", tracking me down when I was out and ended with full on stalking and violation of a restraining order(which he got arrested for). The second boyfriend told me he loved me on date number two (YIKES and Ewwww) and got territorial when it came to me and my guy friends. I ended it after 2 months. Those are examples of what I consider smothering.
ReplyDeleteI understand that living in close quarters can be tough... Look at it this way, soon the weather will get warmer and you can start taking walks when you need a bit of space. I wouldn't worry too much about it, it sounds like he just needs occasional alone time to clear his head. :)
I can't use my husband and my relationship as an example b/c even though we live in a big house, we are almost ALWAYS together. I think it's b/c I like it that way and he accepts it. Sure we have our time apart, but 90% of the time, we are in the same room doing the same things together.
ReplyDeleteBut please, don't use us as the rule. All my other couple friends think we are weirdos for liking each other that much. :)
IMO, "smothering" is actions or behavior that prevents the other person from being themselves or doing things they enjoy.
ReplyDeletehowever, "smothering" isn't solely the cause of one person; the person who feels smothered will also have an active part perpetuating that feeling within themselves ie. they decide not to go out with the guys (without telling their partner), they decide not to buy/watch/hang out/go out etc without telling their partner etc. these independent decisions they make because they feel they should or out of fear (they don't want to start a fight etc) is what further increases that feeling of being suffocated in a relationship but they fail to see that they had part in developing that feeling within themselves.
i have learned from past relationships that just because you're together, you're not fused at the hip. continue to cultivate your own passions and interests, liking/enjoying things that your partner may not IS OK, you don't have to like the exact same things and most of all: MAINTAIN YOUR INDIVIDUALITY! you are still YOUR OWN PERSON! (not yelling at you and when i say "you", i mean general you, not you chloe) :)
i had a friend who, whenever she got a boyfriend, would never leave his side and "I" turned to "we". she NEVER did anything without him and suddenly, the things she used to like she started disliking them just because he didn't share the same interest. totally whack if you ask me.
my hubs and i are our own person; we've always been like that. he does his thing, i do my thing and we do things together. he likes stuff that i hate and vice versa. we come and go as we please, make plans with our friends but we coordinate to make sure that we don't book the same night because of Kayla. it's all about balance!
I had one boyfriend in the past that smothered me, he'd always want to spend time together, and as we met at work - there was no getting away from each other. Saying that I don't think I ended the relationship well but in the end I was feeling like I had no way out. Yeah I know, making my excuses.
ReplyDeleteThen again me and my husband pretty much spend most of our non work time together but it actually feels right and I don't feel smothered. Maybe because while we'll be "together" in the same room, he'll be playing games on the computer and i'll be sewing or crafting. It's nice having his presence in the room without always being glued together.
Great post though, certainly got me thinking!
I think they answer is really to do things together but also be able to spend time apart when you do your own things even when you're at home.
ReplyDeleteRowena @ rolala loves
Your post has a great question in it . Though I can't describe a relation like that , but I actually know that maybe smothering is needed sometimes .Sometimes as flattering & sometimes showing love towards your partner.
ReplyDeleteNoor @ Noor's Place
i recently moved in with my boyfriend of five and a half years and our place is tiny! i lived alone for quite some time and really value moments of peace and quiet, so sometimes i will just politely ask for 30 minutes of alone time with a book :)
ReplyDeleteI think that it's very important for couples to have their "me time" occasionally. I think it's vital to a healthy relationship. They say the healthiest relationships are when the people are able to not become to interdependent that they lose their individuality.
ReplyDelete*so not "to"
DeleteI need to proofread :)
i guess it is hard if you guys really don't have places in ur space to retreat too - i'd go NUTS if Joe and I had to be in the same room 24/7 - people who work from home (both parties) i have NO IDEA how they do it - i need my alone time - he needs his - i like just getting up and doing what i want and him too - i think you need to have that - being able to spontaneously do whatever u want or it's just trouble
ReplyDeleteMy ex-husband always acted like I was smothering him. But I think I did it because I didn't trust him.
ReplyDeleteIzzy and I loved being around each other. I actually used to feel a little smothered by him when he first moved out here. I was used to the long distance and he was ready for us to be together 24/7. I finally told him that following me everyone (even the bathroom, yikes!) was driving me crazy. He pulled back and we have been SO much happier!
You ask a great question and I totally agree that it depends on how one defines smothering. It is probably much more difficult because you guys have no other spaces to "hideaway" so to speak. I personally live in 5 bedroom with my boyfriend and 3 roomates, so we have a lot of space and I have my art studio to escape to, but we never feel smothered or that one is being over-bearing because he's a teacher and works early and I work in the restaurant so I work very late, we do our separate things, he never bugs me or sends constant text messages like, "where are you?" Communication is always there but the over-bearing activity is never necessary because he always knows who I come home to, but we do our separate things and live different lives so that we value the time we spend together. I hope its just jitters and it all works out love!
ReplyDeletexox,
CD
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