Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Moving In Together...Excuses or Fear??

On this snowy night I have my little apartment all to myself. I bought my home about almost 2 years ago and honestly I didn't think I'd have it for 2 years without my boyfriend moving in with me. We've been dating for a two and a half years so he's known me the whole time I've lived here. My place is small and there is no dishwasher, but still...There is something keeping him from moving in with me...

A little background is that Craig said we should live together over a year ago. He currently lives with his mother. But, then a car payment came up, this or that happened, every time I would ask he'd say oh after the last year's holidays, then the he said last summer, then it was if I had a better TV and then now... 

During Hurricane Sandy he stayed a week with me and when he left he said he'd move in under a few conditions. He got me all nervous and then said that I needed a better vacuum, he wouldn't live here without his cat, and that I needed to paint. I don't know WHAT I expected him to say, but those little things are not what I expected. Those are pointless Excuses...but why?

His family told me to give him an ultimatum two weekends ago but I'm not crazy. Ultimatums don't work. I got paint swatches to look at colors, but I feel like I'm nuts giving into this condition of why he won't live with me. He said that he had a traumatic experience living with one of his exes and it destroyed that previous relationship. BUT i am not his ex...and I think it's ridiculous to demand a vacuum and paint as a reason why not to live with your girlfriend of 2+ years and remain living with your mother. It has to be something else...

The nights he is here, it's great. We are not crawling all over each other and I love how he puts his arms around me when we sleep next to each other. Our bathroom schedules work out great because he has to be out of the house earlier than I do, and we love cooking together. We both have jobs and can more than afford to live here for a little batch of time. So what is it?? I know I have rough feet but I'm working on it, I know I talk a lot but I'm working on it...So what is it!!!!!

This weekend I'm driving him to Lowes and we are getting paint. I'm not trying to rush this, but I'm curious if "Paint" is a real reason why not...


  1. Oh dear!! Those sound like excuses to me. I think you need to have a sit down chat with your man and really figure out what is going on. Good Luck!!! xx. McKenna Lou
    p.s. you are right though, ultimatums usually never work, I would save that as a last resort.

  2. I would stop bringing it up for a while, definitely don't feed into his demands and see what happens. Usually when I back off of my boyfriend after trying to get him to do something he has a little time for clarity to see that it's not a big deal, or that it's necessary, etc. As soon as I back off, he responds really well. Maybe he's feeling too much pressure?

  3. i think charley's advice is sound!

  4. I think he is just worried about it and he needs a bit more time to decide. Guys are like that. They have a hard time making those big decisions. Happy day, lovely.

  5. What? I have no idea what's going on with him either. I'm not really sure how a vacuum or new paint will solve the problem too. Good luck girl!

  6. Although I am a woman, hear me roar, I always let the man dictate when the relationship is moving forward. If he is not the one jumping head over heels into the next step, then he is clearly not ready and will only resent you for pushing him into it. I've tried to plow someone into making the decision I wanted, and that didn't work out well. Sit back and enjoy the ride, or tell him you are looking for something more serious and get out while you can. It sounds like he has financial problems anyways. Why is he just living with his Mom? You're obviously far beyond him maturity wise and deserve better. Sorry if it's harsh.

  7. I'm going to be completely honest with you and I hope you don't hate me for it. If he wanted to live with you, it would have already happened. Either that or he would have suggested getting a bigger place together. I moved in with my boyfriend after 5 months, at the time his house was, what I would consider, kind of nasty - but all I wanted was him. I never gave him conditions. (I've since done a lot of work to his home but that's besides the point.)

    You might want to re-think things with Craig, and no - ultimatums do not work. You want it to be from the heart.

    On the flip side of this, I totally understand what you are going through. I've been with my said boyfriend for almost five years and we still aren't married. He always has a stupid excuse and I don't push it because I want our relationship to be genuine. It stings because I know that if he wanted it, it would have already happened. Like you, the ball is in my court - I can accept it or leave. Neither is an easy choice. :(

    One last thing - you are a beautiful girl! Don't forget that.

  8. Oh gosh. There has got to be something deeper than painting and vacuuming. Would it work if you just sat down and talked with him and asked him the real reasons? I just can't imagine that little things would prevent him...but maybe. Hope you figure things out. Painting will be fun though! I always love it when a painted room is finished!

  9. Hmmm his excuses seem weird. I've lived with W for over 5 years and it is great, and I know for a fact that he would never willingly live at home still.

  10. I don't like conditions. You should not have to change yourself to get results. I feel like everything (you and the house) should be accepted as you are. I would definitely talk to him about why he feels changes need to be made. Maybe he has some commitment issues that have nothing to do with you, but with himself. And maybe if you two talk about it then he can work through it. Dont change you though.



  11. It probably could just be that he's comfortable at home and isn't ready for change right now. In the meantime, at least you can still enjoy your own space :)

  12. Girl you can get advice all you want from us well-meaning blog friends. But I know as a married lady that all you have to do is talk to him. Don't beat around the bust. Calmly tell him how you're feeling, tell him you think there is something more, and tell him that y'all need to talk about it. It's really that simple. Just talk.


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